In long-term relationships, intimacy can often take a back seat to daily responsibilities, stress and shifting priorities. Many couples find themselves in a cycle where their once vibrant sex life has faded, leaving them wondering how to rekindle the passion. In this enlightening conversation, certified sex therapist Heather Shannon shares powerful insights on how couples can rekindle their connection, improve communication, and explore a deeper, more conscious approach to sexuality.
Why do couples lose their spark?
Heather points out that the loss of intimacy in long-term relationships is extremely common. Life events such as raising children, career demands and health challenges often contribute to sexual disconnection. Studies show that around 20% of marriages are considered sexless, meaning that couples experience intimacy less than once a month. But even couples who are still sexually active may struggle with a lack of excitement or emotional connection.
Rather than seeing this as a sign of failure, Heather encourages couples to see it as a natural phase - one that can be reversed with conscious effort and understanding.
The pathway to passion: A proven framework
To help couples reignite their sexual spark, Heather has developed a structured approach called The Pathway to Passion. This method consists of nine key steps divided into three core areas:
Emotional mastery and communication – Understanding and managing emotions, fostering open communication, and aligning relationship priorities.
Self-understanding and desire – Exploring body image, learning how desire works, and creating a safe space for intimacy.
Rekindling attraction and passion – Identifying mental and physical turn-ons, discussing fantasies, and integrating conscious sexual practices.
A crucial part of this framework is recognising that rekindling intimacy isn't just about sex - it's about strengthening emotional bonds, feeling wanted and creating a space where both partners feel safe to express their needs.
The power of communication in intimacy
One of the most powerful tools Heather discusses is the softened startup, a concept developed by the Gottman Institute. This approach to communication helps couples avoid escalating conflicts and encourages productive conversations about sensitive topics.
For example, instead of saying, "Do you even care about our sex life? I feel completely neglected!", a softened startup would sound like: "I love you and I want us to feel connected. I know intimacy has been difficult lately, but I’d love for us to find a way to reconnect that feels good for both of us."
This approach reduces defensiveness and makes it easier for partners to engage in open, honest conversations about their needs and desires.
Bringing consciousness to sexuality
Beyond just physical intimacy, Heather introduces the idea of conscious sexuality—a practice that involves greater self-awareness, emotional connection, and breaking free from societal conditioning. Many people carry shame or limiting beliefs about sex due to cultural or religious influences, making it difficult to fully embrace their desires.
Through personal reflection, open communication, and even spiritual practices, individuals can begin to shift their mindset and approach intimacy with confidence and authenticity. Heather emphasises that consciously exploring sexuality allows people to heal past wounds, embrace pleasure, and create deeper emotional bonds with their partners.
Practical steps to get started
If you're feeling disconnected in your relationship, Heather encourages you to take small, conscious steps towards improvement. This could be as simple as:
Reading a book like Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski to better understand desire and pleasure.
Listening to sex-positive podcasts for education and inspiration.
Setting aside dedicated time for open conversations with your partner about intimacy.
Making intimacy a priority by adjusting schedules and removing distractions.
The key takeaway? You don’t need to take a big step, you just need to take a step.
Final thoughts
Heather Shannon’s insights provide a roadmap for couples looking to rekindle their intimacy and embrace a more conscious approach to sexuality. Whether through improved communication, self-exploration, or prioritising connection, small changes can make a significant difference.
If you’ve been struggling with intimacy, now is the time to take action. Tune in to this episode for expert advice and practical strategies that can transform your relationship.