Why Years of Personal Development Haven’t Changed Your Patterns (and What Will), with Alena Candova | #654

[Agi Keramidas]
What if the pattern you've spent years trying to fix was never your enemy, but the very thing that once kept you safe? Welcome to Personal Development Mastery, the podcast that helps you gain clarity, overcome what holds you back, and take confident next steps towards a more meaningful and aligned life. I am your host, Agi Keramidas, a personal development mentor and coach, and this is episode 654.

If you are looking to break free from patterns you already understand and create change that actually lasts, in this conversation we explore how working with your nervous system, rather than your mindset alone, can help you finally move beyond insight and into actual transformation. If you are someone who has done the therapy, the coaching, the retreats, and you've perfectly understood a pattern, yet you still find yourself repeating it, then this episode is for you. Let's dive right in.

Today, my guest is Alena Candova. Alena, for many years, you didn't realize how disconnected you were from yourself, as you say, mistaking ambition, responsibility, and stress from what you really were. You say it is the subconscious and not the conscious mind that shapes most of our daily behavior, and with your work, you help high achievers live from inner authority by working with their nervous system.

Alena, welcome to the show. It's a real pleasure to speak with you, and I'm looking forward to our conversation.

[Alena Candova]
Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to be here with you.

[Agi Keramidas]
And I will say to someone watching us right now or listening that I hope that you will discover, among other things, why understanding a pattern or something that happens in our behavior, it's not enough to change it, and some simple way or ways to start working with it on a day-to-day basis, because it is very important to put it into practice and to work it. What I would like to start with, there are so many things, Alena, but what I will start with is exactly what I just said right now, because I think it resonates with many of my listeners, many people on their path of personal growth and spiritual growth, anywhere you look at it, many have done therapy, they have done coaching, they have done Reiki, they have done this, that, there are thousands and thousands of different modalities, and they still repeat the same patterns. So they help a little bit, but it's not enough to actually change things. So let me start with this.

How is understanding different from changing it? Why does that happen?

[Alena Candova]
That's such a powerful question, Agi, and I think the first thing I think about when you ask this is that we as adults look at our habits and our patterns, and we logically intellectually understand, like I have a perfectionist streak, I am a people pleaser, or I always need to be in control, it brings stress to me. Well, what's happening is that we are understanding the symptomatic behavior of a deeper subconscious pattern that lives at the level of our nervous system, and that was actually born, excuse me, most of the times in our childhood. Before the part of our brain that we are using now to look at the pattern and evaluate and try to change it, that part of our brain wasn't even developed.

And so a lot of the times what happens as children, we will feel a situation, we'll feel overwhelmed, let's say, because we're talking about patterns that are limiting us now, and because we don't understand life holistically yet, because our brain is not fully developed yet, because we are in a very vulnerable stage of our life where we depend on our parents and our caregivers, we then internalize whatever is happening, we put it on ourselves, and we create a story, we create a false or distorted belief about ourselves and the world. And so then as adults, we have all these realizations, we have these understandings of ourselves and our patterns, but they live at the level of the nervous system with a completely different narrative. So we have to start connecting to that part within ourselves to actually start to understand them more deeply and be able to resolve them.

[Agi Keramidas]
And that's from understanding to connecting the two things that you said, I suppose many people find that the real difficulty, because understanding is what comes much more naturally, especially when you are in an environment of personal development or you tend to grow, you intellectualize things, you understand things, you write down, you let's say explore your inner world, things come up, and I will ask, I will go straight to the something tangible, something actionable.

How can one, what is the next step that one can take from understanding to going deeper there? Are there any ways that one can apply, let's say to make one step towards that? I'm not asking for the whole journey, but something to begin the process.

[Alena Candova]
Yes, yes. And again, a great, great question. For me, and I'm seeing this for many of my clients, the most important thing to understand, and we are now talking about using our intellectual mind to help connect the wisdom of the body, to understand that any pattern that we are working with, no matter how limiting it may be or how negative it may seem, was actually born to protect us, to help us feel accepted, loved, or seen, or whatever it means for each individual, right? The pattern was born to protect us. And so if I can start recognizing that the people-pleasing that's burning me out right now is nothing negative, and get curious about how is that actually protecting me, how is that helping me in life, then I can start creating a different relationship with that pattern.

And because the pattern is of a protective nature, if I stop judging it, and if I stop criticizing it, or myself, as we tend to do on our journey to personal development, then it starts to feel, the nervous system that's holding that pattern will start to feel safer to show us a little bit more, to give us a little bit more understanding.

[Agi Keramidas]
This is great. Thank you for the reminder that that pattern was made there in the first place to protect us, even though it might not do that anymore, but that was the original. It's a great reminder.

And, you know, there were some things, this is one of the things that can block or hinder someone on their path, trying to solve with the mindset, and work on the mindset, things that are not of the mind, but they are more, shall I say, in the body, I think that would be a reasonably accurate expression. What do you think?

[Alena Candova]
Oh, a hundred percent, a hundred percent, you know, and I feel like for myself and for many people here in the West, because we are so logical and we are so heady, you know, thinking about the fact that personal development starts in the body sounds a little bit unreal and I was there, it's like, what do you mean? It starts in the body, that's just such a nonsense. And so I really like to think of it as it starts in the nervous system and then teach people or help them realize, because we all know the fight, flight, or freeze response, right?

When the nervous system goes into this protective state, then it goes into fight, flight or freeze. And then we all understand that there are certain behaviors associated with these states, right? If I'm in flight, I may get defensive.

If I'm in fight, I get defensive or argumentative. If I'm in flight, I might just kind of try to avoid situations, right? I take off, I overwork, I hide behind work.

If I'm in freeze, I shut down and I numb myself with food, maybe, all different coping strategies. And so if I can start understanding that, yes, my behavior actually is driven by the state of my nervous system, which is in the body, then I can start to get a little more curious about why is my nervous system going into the state of protection when logically, intellectually, and I'm talking to people in the West where most of us are safe, we are no longer being chased by saber tooth tiger or we're not starving, right?

Logically, intellectually, I look around and I know that I'm safe. Situation, there may be a conflict. I don't like it, but it's not a life threat.

I am safe. My nervous system is still acting out as if I am in a danger.

[Agi Keramidas]
This is great. And putting the nervous system in the definition as the body, I think it makes it much, much more easy to understand. I think it removes any woo-woo factor or anything like that because the nervous system, I think we all know that it is behind pretty much everything that is happening inside our body.

And Alain, I want to, I think since we're talking about the body and the nervous system, the body, I think it would be a nice or appropriate moment, I was reading your story about one moment of big transformation that you have in a silent retreat in Bali where I read here that you spent three days sending love and compassion to family, friends, even people that had hurt you and you didn't have any problem. You found that easy.

But on day four, you were asked to turn that love and compassion to yourself and you broke, as you say. So I would like to hear that, especially in terms of the body, the nervous system, what we were talking about. Obviously this is a rather intense moment and not all sensations of the body and the nervous system are like that.

But I would like to hear that as a pivotal point in you so we can take it further from there and discuss more or deeper in that nervous system, body and how we can interpret in a way what's happening and in the end improve ourselves and grow because that's what you and I and everyone listening or watching this want. Otherwise they wouldn't be watching us.

[Alena Candova]
And I love how you use the word, how can we interpret what's happening inside? And that retreat was a really powerful experience and it was a really shocking experience to me too because consciously I believed I loved myself. You know, if someone asked me, I would bet money on it.

You know, look at me, I'm in Bali, I'm putting myself first. I'm on this meditation retreat, I'm doing yoga for years, you know? So it was really, really shocking realization.

And what was more confusing for me at the time that it came from this real overwhelm, that emotional flooding feeling of this despair and pain that I buried for so many years, you know, and so it was really shocking and mind opening and confusing at the same time. And as I looked around, it was about 50 of us and everyone was having similar experience. We all broke on that day, you know, and it's again, because of those childhood patterns as children, we learn to give outward because that kind of makes sure that we are safe.

And so we disconnect. You also mentioned that you read in, you know, in my profile that I have been disconnected from myself for years. And as we disconnect from ourselves, this doesn't just mean that we disconnect from our body, but it means also that we disconnect from our authentic self, from all these amazing gifts that we all coming here with.

And so it was a powerful experience. But at the end of the retreat, no one told us how to work with these realizations. So we all had this huge breakthroughs, huge emotional release.

And then I left and I tried to meditate and focus on it. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to work with my nervous system and subconscious at that level that needs to be worked for us to break through from these conditioned identity patterns.

And so slowly I just drifted back to what I knew to do, you know.

[Agi Keramidas]
And you bring me to something else I wanted to ask about specifically, you know, having realizations and especially big ones like that, because there are smaller, there are bigger, but you know, sometimes it hits you and you say, oh my God, I had never realized that before or thought of that before. And then as you say, they are not integrated in a way into one's life. And then routine comes back and it kind of gets forgotten or at least not and being allowed to make the big change that when you had the realization, you knew very well that this is it, you know, you know it.

So there is one thing I wanted to ask before I go there. How important do you think are these very powerful experiences, these intense moments, you know, awakening, if you want, in a way, moments are in one's journey of evolution, of progress? Do you think that one needs to have those in order to, you know, evolve and change their life?

Or is it, you know, great to have it, but not everyone does and it's not necessary? I hope my question makes sense.

[Alena Candova]
Yes, it does. And I'm thinking carefully how to answer this because they are very powerful. But as you know, from my personal experience, if you don't know how to integrate them, they just kind of fade away.

But at the same time, there's always a seed planted, right? So they fade away, but the seed is kind of planted and it's waiting to grow. What I'm finding is with my clients, for example, is that people don't have to go through these huge, powerful breakthrough experiences via retreats or whatever it may be, because they can happen when we approach personal development from a lens of this comprehensive, deeper growth.

And so, you know, I'll work with my clients. They just come and sit with me and then they do integration work where they learn how to work with their subconscious. And that allows them to have breakthroughs and realizations that they never thought they would have, you know?

So I feel like when we start working at the level of our nervous system in a more structured way, when we actually understand that nervous system is driving our behaviors, those realizations come in anyway. Because, you know, when I was at the retreat, that realization came from my body. I felt that overwhelm first and then my mind said, oh my gosh, you don't love yourself.

It wasn't the other way around. It came from the body.

[Agi Keramidas]
You just said now and I wrote it down because you were talking about working on our nervous system in a structured way. I think that's how you said it. So explain to us, what does that look like?

I mean, as a brief overview, how does one work with their nervous system in a structured way?

[Alena Candova]
Yeah, and I say structured way because today most of us hear so much talk about nervous system regulation. And it's very important and very powerful. But what we are all hearing as well is that you regulate when you stress.

You take deep breaths when you stress. Before a presentation, if you stress, take some deep breaths. And that's wonderful.

But what we are doing essentially in those moments, we are regulating that activation of that subconscious program away. OK, we think not now. And so for the presentation, yes, of course, I need to be composed.

I'll do it. When I am talking about working with the nervous system in a structured way, I mean, step one, understand that your pattern is your protector. It's not actually nothing negative.

Step two, regulate every day so you can create capacity at the level of your nervous system. So your subconscious patterns, there is more safety in your body for these subconscious patterns that have been stifled to start to come to conscious awareness. Because a lot of the times, if my system is chronically dysregulated, I don't have the capacity to hold these big realizations, right?

It could nearly be re-traumatizing to my system. And so understand, regulate daily to create capacity, not to regulate away. And then get curious about how certain activations, when we get triggered in life, how do they light up in your body, in your system?

And so here we are talking about, I call it befriending our feelings, right? When I am in an argument with someone or I'm acting on my pattern, where is it living in my body? And then with that capacity that I've been cultivating with daily nervous system regulation and that mapping of the pattern in my nervous system, in my body, I can then start holding space for that activation to complete itself because all my nervous system wants to do and needs to do is finish what it started.

And a lot of these patterns started when we were young. You know, maybe we were six, maybe we were 10, but the nervous system will then bring it up every single time we triggered by something that on subconscious level seems similar. And then we stifle it.

And then we say to ourselves, I shouldn't be acting like this. And so if I create enough nervous system capacity and nervous system understanding, I can then start to allow that activation to finally complete itself, which then means my subconscious takes a deep breath and says, oh, OK, she doesn't need this anymore and gives me more breathing space to actually step into change that lasts.

[Agi Keramidas]
Thank you. You said you talked about the capacity or increasing the capacity, understanding the nervous system, having realizations, etc. And if someone listening to us right now is wondering, OK, Alayna, I get it.

I mean, the importance of, you know, connecting and increasing that capacity. What is one practical thing that I can do tomorrow morning, for example, to start working towards that direction of increasing the capacity?

[Alena Candova]
Yeah. And there's many different nervous system regulation practices. Right.

So I always think of the breath as the easiest because we all have it at our hand all the time. But most of us don't even think about our breathing. And so a couple of times a day for just a few minutes, right, become conscious of your breathing.

See if you are breathing shallow. See if you can invite your breath all the way into your diaphragm, into your belly. And as you do it, maybe even closing your eyes and feeling your body, feeling where the breath comes in through your nose, how it travels through the ribcage.

Are there any blockages or tension? No judgment. I'm not here to change anything.

I'm just paying attention to my breathing and my body and showing up every single day. I have people that say, oh, I didn't have my 10 minutes to do my regulation, so I didn't do it. And I'm like, well, it's better for your nervous system if you do two minutes, if you don't have your five or 10.

And so we want to show up every day, no matter how little time we have.

[Agi Keramidas]
It's simple, very much. I agree with the concept of doing it repeatedly for many reasons. Let's not get into that.

But it is very simple, even twice a day, reconnecting with the breath and feeling the breath. This is wonderful. Thank you for that.

Alena, as we will start wrapping things up in a moment, what I would like to ask you also is where would you like to direct someone that has listened to us and wants to learn more about you and your work and what you offer?

[Alena Candova]
I love to keep everything simple. So all my information is on my website, which is sattvaintegralhealth.com. Sattva is a Sanskrit word for inner peace and harmony.

The link to my book is there as well, where I outlined this process of mastering the nervous system and mastering the mind and bringing in also aspects of our lifestyle and diet and how it all influences our minds through our body. Everything is there.

[Agi Keramidas]
Who would read the book? Who would find it beneficial from someone listening right now? What's those characteristics that would make them really benefit from the book?

[Alena Candova]
People that have done some personal development work and still feel like they are either stuck, they understand their patterns intellectually, they don't know how to move further or how to go deeper. And also people that have done substantial amount of work, but still feel like there is more, still feel like they can get more out of life.

[Agi Keramidas]
That's great. I think that covers quite a few people. That fulfilled that.

Actually, very quickly, I would like to go back because there was something that I wanted to ask earlier and I mentioned it, but I didn't. So, but I will put it now, even if it is a little bit refers to what we were saying earlier on. And that is, from having a realization, let's say at a retreat, I have done also a silent meditation retreats and I have experienced my own share of realizations.

But let's talk about this particularly, you have the realization, something happens, it strikes you, you say, aha, oh my God, I had never thought of that before. And then you don't integrate it as we were saying. So again, I would like to ask you something practical, not theoretical.

When one has a realization of a kind, how can they have better chances of putting it into practice rather than letting routine and habit overtake that?

[Alena Candova]
I would say write it down because when we write, we are engaging different parts of our brain. And write about it, write what it brought up in your body, what were the emotions, sensations, the whole story that came with that realization. And then come back to it on a daily basis because we are all busy.

Life has this tendency to hijack us. And so have that present in your life. Keep coming back to it.

And then I would definitely say keep getting curious about where is that realization coming from? What pattern is it attached to? How can you help to cultivate more capacity in your body to learn more?

Because there is going to be more if our body feels safe enough to show us more.

[Agi Keramidas]
Alayna, I will also ask you two quick questions that I ask my guests. And the first one is, what does personal development mean to you?

[Alena Candova]
It's a great question. Personal development, for me, it's been many years. It's been about finding the courage, but also finding ways to really being able to be honest with myself and look at my patterns from a deeper perspective so I could get closer to my authentic self, which is the self that's just in ease, that has access to those innate gifts that we all come here with.

And so, yeah, I feel like it's a combination of this courageous, brave investigation of the deeper hidden things that are sometimes uncomfortable to look at in a pursuit to get closer to who we really are.

[Agi Keramidas]
And a hypothetical question. If you could go back in time and meet your 18-year-old self, what's one piece of advice you would give her?

[Alena Candova]
Don't be so hard on yourself. Yeah, I don't think she would listen, because that's all she knew, right? She would be like, what do you mean?

That's who I am, because we all identify with these patterns rather than understanding that these are just patterns. Yeah.

[Agi Keramidas]
Alena, I want to thank you very much for this conversation we had today. I really enjoyed it. I think they were some very important and practical elements that came through that hopefully will empower someone who has watched us or listened to us up to now and allow them to take some action towards improving or changing their life.

I want to wish you all the best with your life and your mission, empowering others. And I will leave it to you for your parting words and any last message to the listener of this conversation.

[Alena Candova]
Thank you so much for having me on your show, Agi. And I feel like maybe the last message to the listeners would be the same message that I had to myself, because I'm seeing over and over how hard we are on ourselves. And when we look at it from a deeper or even from neuroscientific perspective, when we are hard on ourselves, our brain cannot learn.

We cannot learn from our mistakes. And the mistakes are the super gems from which we can learn and grow. And so invite more self-compassion and curiosity into why the pattern is acting out when it's acting out.

And that will allow you to grow more. Thank you.

[Agi Keramidas]
Thank you for listening to this conversation with Alena Cantova. I hope it has given you a fresh perspective on the patterns you've been fighting, and the possibility that they were never your enemy, but your protector. One practical action tip to remember from today is to spend two minutes, twice a day, simply noticing your breath.

Close your eyes, invite the breath down into your belly, and feel where it travels through the body, without judging it, without trying to fix anything. Even if it's only two minutes, showing up every day is what builds the capacity that your nervous system needs to let those old patterns complete themselves. Join us every Monday for in-depth conversations, and every Thursday for shorter episodes with insights and tools you can use.

If you enjoy this podcast and appreciate the work we're doing here, the simple and quick favor that I'm asking of you is to click the subscribe button. Until next time, stand out, don't fit in, and I'll see you in the next one.