#136 Guiding life from the heart, the permission to be your most authentic self, and coming back to the breath, with Chris Marhefka (part 1).

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Episode Transcript

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0:05  
Welcome to the personal development mastery podcast. I'm Agi Keramidas. And my mission is to inspire you to rise up, grow, stand out and take action towards the next level of your life. I interview leaders, influencers, entrepreneurs, authors, exceptional people who can and will inspire you to improve your life, Jr for two episodes each week, and make sure you subscribe to the podcast to get the episodes as soon as they are released. In today's show, it is my real pleasure to speak with Chris Marhefka. Chris, you are the CEO and facilitator at training camp for the show. And also of the embodied modern leadership retreats. Before he came into this healing work, you had over 10 years of experience in entrepreneurship, growing and selling two figure companies among other things, you have extensive experience as a coach in health mindset, leadership, business, wellness, and your passion is leading people on to a path where they can confront their past and accelerate their growth. Chris, it is a real pleasure to speak with you today. And I'm very much looking forward to our conversation.

1:27  
Thank you for having me on Aggie, I am so excited for this.

1:32  
So in my in our so I was telling you earlier before we hit record, it is topics that I also have very much personal interested or interest. Interest is not the right word fascination is more more of the increase, I would like to start with going back a little bit and given us some of your stories, some of your background. So can you take us back? Before you say that you were, you know, growing on your personal development, but you kept on having the same challenges over and over again. So can you take us back to that time so we can understand better?

2:16  
Yeah, absolutely. I to give the big context, I'm 35 years old, and for the first 32 years of my life, I was living under one script. And then right around 32 is when I did a lot of deeper work that really shifted who I was and how, how I saw the world how I saw myself so it was like, up until 32 a lot of my life was driven around material success. It was driven around the quote unquote American dream of the house with the white picket fence and the family and the good income and the well and and so I, I I learned that to get those things took, took learning it took an education, it took working really hard. And I got really good at those two things. I got really good at learning information. I got really good at working really hard as we're driving forces for me. And I proved it and I proved it in everything that I did. I was like I was always gonna be the hardest worker. And I was the hardest worker in schools hardest worker in sports. I was the hardest worker when I came out of school and I I started as an entrepreneur, I was just like, I won't be outworked. And so I just kept working. And it led me to accomplish most of the things that I said I wanted to in my whole entire life. By the time I was 30 years old. And I had all the things I checked all the boxes. And there was there was it was actually right around my 30th birthday because that was right when I got married. It was right when my business hit a million for the first time. And I remember sitting down and like looking to set my goals for the next year because this is a process that I did every year for well over a decade. And I was there and I was I was like okay, what, what do I want to accomplish? And I remember thinking like, Wow, I've accomplished all the things that were told to me that would that would make the greatest life ever. And I'm sitting here just thinking of more. I'm like, Okay, now how can I do more of this. And there was something that clicked for me. That was maybe it's not about more of what I've been doing. Maybe there's something different out there that I've been seeking these certain things, but maybe there's something different and that was The first question that sparked a change in the way that I started doing personal development and started changing myself. And the the what was sparked was more of a sense of guiding life from my heart and my true desires and from purpose and from mission and from love, then have this mental processing of like, What does other people think I should do? Or what do I think would paint me in the best light? Or what would get the most things and toys in the garage? And those are all things that were taught to me? And I didn't question until that moment, and then that's when I started to question it. And up until that point, I had done really well at winning, winning the game that I was playing. But it was at that moment, where I, I opened myself up to maybe there's another game. And then when I started to learn, there was many other games. I, I went through the different I walked a different path of development. And that led me to where I am today, which is living the life that I actually desire, the one that I want to live, the one that I wake up, excited to be in love being alive. And despite all the things that I had back then, that was not the case, was like, I still wasn't joyful, I still wasn't happy, I still wasn't fulfilled with life. And so now, that is the path that I walk others on. And oftentimes, they're in a similar position, or leading to a similar position. And I was of learning lots of working really hard of oftentimes doing really well at that. And then just like that little hint of there's something more out there, there's something more

7:03  
I think, this is a situation that many of us can relate to, because of this way of thinking and living of our own to achieve more. And then the, the body moves even further ahead and further ahead. And it's in a in a way, I have to say it's great that you realise that at 30. Because many people, it takes them a long time to realise that it's adding another zero in your bank account is not going to change internally, the satisfaction you feel with with your life. And I liked very much You said something about at that time, you followed a different path of development. So because you were obviously very successful, you were developing, doing your goals and everything and then you took a different path you that's the phrase you used and you also said the beautiful phrase guy guiding your life from your heart. So do you want to tell us about this period? Then what what happened afterwards, when you realise that? Wow, this is not it? There must be something else out there. Which direction did your learning take you and what did you do with your previous? You know, your businesses said so on?

8:28  
Yeah, great question. It was a rocky tie. It was Rocky.

8:35  
Yeah, I

8:38  
it that

8:41  
realisation was the gasoline that was poured on that fire was was actually travel for me. It was right around that time I took a really long extended honeymoon It was the first travel I'd done. I first time I left my my businesses for that long. We went for eight weeks to Australia in New Zealand. And it was such an amazing trip for multiple reasons. But one thing I didn't realise how impactful it was to me until later on in my journey, but the process of being around people who, who didn't necessarily have a lot of wealth, and they didn't necessarily have the job that like was up on the top 10 jobs listed school. But they just were so happy and they loved what they did. I'll use an example like we were doing whitewater rafting, and the guide was just lit up to tell us about his hometown and like this mountain in this and he was like, Yeah, and I love just doing this every day. And like I was I was there was a I remember being on the raft I'm like, I'm like, like, this is what I've been missing in my life. If this pure passion, and I saw so much of that I saw it from these, these travellers who were just on a year sabbatical. And they were just finding out more about themselves in this in this travel experience than all the books that they read back home. And I, it was when my eyes started to open to maybe this way of life of just accumulating the zeros and the things and the plastic and that this and the titles, mean, that's not actually what this is about. And maybe I want a little bit more of this. And so when I got back from that trip, I didn't just completely change everything, but I knew that I wanted a little bit more of that, and a little bit less of what I was doing, which was just put my head down, it was just putting my head down and just working hard. And, and, you know, I that was the model that I had I most of my family on both sides came from immigrant families. And it was just about like, you got to work hard if you want to be successful in this American dream, which meant money. Because money equals freedom for a lot of people until you make a little money, and you realise that that's not actually the answer. It can, I think it's an important part of the journey. But there's a moment once you've made the money, that you realise that that's just then there's a step after that. And there's one step after that. And there's a step after that. And so, yeah, travel really, really helped with that. And so when I got back, I was just committed to more time for me. And every time I would go a trip camping in the woods for a weekend, every time I would go back, come back, I was more lit up, I was more myself, I was more joyful, I was a better Boss, I was a better partner. And also I loved so I just started taking more more time off and and business kept doing better. My employees got to be empowered rather than me micromanaging them being in everything every day. And then eventually it was it was catalysed by I had this life dream to travel the country in an RV. And I wanted to take six months off. And so that was enough of a drive for me to honestly make it a reality. And I spent a year like talking about it and talking about I was like guys, I'm gonna be leaving next June or next April is happening, I'm leaving. And then next April came and I left and in my managers ran the businesses and you know, things didn't go, amazingly. But it was that decision to choose me over choose just continuing to put my head down. It was like that was the first time I really took a stand for myself. It was something I deeply wanted to do. And the old me would have just kept putting it off. And just another year, I got to make a little bit more money, I gotta figure this other thing out. But that moment, I was like, hey, it's not perfect. But it's never gonna be perfect. I'm going to do this, because this is what I want to do right now. And

13:27  
honestly, the words, everything is going to be okay, just kept coming to, it's like, everything's gonna be okay. And then when I took that decision for myself, it was like this empowering moment where I realised, oh, wow, all these decisions that I've been making, that I've been scared of what's going to happen? everything's going to be okay. And you know what, I can keep making these decisions for myself. And then I just one decision after another, I kept choosing what I wanted, what my heart wanted. And yeah, got me, got me to the place of eventually, yeah, eventually selling my house, selling the businesses that I had built. And that was one of the most challenging times for me, I also ended up separating from my wife at the time. And it was like, every single piece of my identity, every title, every label, everything that I if you asked me who I was, I would say husband, business owner, entrepreneur, and whatever coach they were all titles and in in in a very short amount of time, I just removed all of them or they got removed for me. And it forced me to figure out like, oh, who am I actually without all these defining things. And that's when I basically started to put the dress you see today together I get to get to build the person I wanted rather than the person that I got handed when I was born into a certain family in a certain country in a certain community.

15:13  
This is thank you for sharing that. And it's very fascinating for me, particularly, and I think for many people, this identities that we carry along, and it's difficult to break free and do something else, because they are the old identities hanging, whether it is that I'm a professional, or that I'm a dad or husband, or I'm Greek or whatever it is that you identify yourself with. I want to ask you about this deeper than journey into because there are in terms of I'm going to say again, what we discussed earlier that there was a different path of development. So this time the development is really going deep within and I read somewhere that you said that it was when you found the training come through the show that something very big changed. So do you want to share that milestone for for me as well?

16:22  
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that actually leads me to my rock bottom story where, where even though I had I taken the decision to go out on that RV trip. That was while I was out and doing that, and doing this, this desire of mine, things in my old life, were starting to fall apart, because like, I had gotten so good at like propping everything up and micromanaging it that without me there think dominoes were starting to fall. And I remember, things weren't great, but I was happier, like things weren't great by material standards. And like my goals weren't being met from the way that I saw them before. But like I was just happier. And I was lighter. And, and I knew that I was on to something. But there was a moment where I was I was driving home, we were finishing up one leg of the RV trip and we're going to go home for a little bit. And I remember crossing over the Georgia Florida border in the US, I was driving home to Florida. And I just started crying because I had this realisation that I didn't actually want to go home to this life that I had built. All these things that I had built, I was proud of it. And I loved it. I loved the people. But I didn't want to go home to it. And that internal conflict didn't make any sense in my mind. And so I felt like a terrible person because of that. I was like, so many people would, would die to have the life that I have, but I'm not happy. And that that broke me down inside. And I pulled over and I just teared in tears and teared for probably 15 minutes. And my wife at the time was there. And she had just, she was in the middle of training camp for the soul. We actually met the founder and not who's now my business partner. We met her and we got on the phone with her. And she was a full Yes, my former wife and I was so sceptical because my mind was still in this. This business this masculine is controlling, I had to understand what was next. And what she kept saying is that like, what's next for you is unknown, because you haven't even touched it yet. And, and that like didn't sit well with me. I was like, No, I have to know. I have to know. And, and so I resisted but but my wife, she decided to do the programme and she was getting such beautiful results. She was growing. She was happier. She was lighter. And I'm sitting over here, I'm crying, I'm tearing and I just had this realisation is like maybe I don't have all the answers. Maybe I'm not gonna know what's next. Maybe it's time for me to be supported. And not just pretend like I have it all together. Because that's what I was doing. I was just pretending that I had it all together for my ego sake. And as soon as we got home, I got back on the phone with a knot and I did. I signed up for the next round of training camp for the soul. And I did that January 2019. And then life just started to change and I I took the gift of working really hard I had learned in my whole life, but rather than applying it outward, like I had always been, I applied it inward. And so I was just like, Oh, I'm going to use the gift of this. And I'm going to work really hard on my internal self. And everything that I would do is like, okay, like, what do I want here? Like, what can I do for myself here? What can I do to improve here? And, you know, I just, I got really good at, like, they say, every time you point the finger outwards, there's three pointing back at you, I looked in the mirror at every opportunity. And that was

20:34  
really uncomfortable. Because anytime something went wrong in a business in a relationship in my life, I got used to just saying, Okay, this sucks, but what's my role in this? What did what, what did I do here? or What can I do going forward? And it led to a lot of like, like, really hard shots to my ego, but I'm glad it happened that way. Because it, you know, we the common denominator in our lives, and everything that happens in our lives is us. And so, if we're always looking, we're missing the boat. And so by doing that, by looking at me, and looking at what my role was, you know, in my life, I got to really quickly change a lot of things by looking at the root of the problem, which was this guy right here. And, yeah, it led me on a really, really beautiful journey over the next two and a half years. And I ended up as I sold my businesses, I got the opportunity to use my 10 years of entrepreneurial gifts to support a Not now. And now I was helping her with her business and growing that, and then eventually, we, we started facilitating together. And then I took over CEO, then I became her partner. And it was this like, it keeps the universe keeps showing me this evidence that like everything that I learned to this point, it wasn't wasted time. It's just another step. It's just another step. And so I think that that's the biggest challenge with people when it comes to shifting identity, is they think that by setting this part of themselves down, or breaking this down, all that time was wasted. And so that's a hard thing to admit that like, Oh, 40 years of my life is down the drain. But it's not it's only if you say it is it's not it's it likes, there's so much learning in that. And there's so many gifts in that. And when we start seeing it that way, it's like, oh, I can move forward now, knowing that I can learn from my past. And I don't just have to repeat those things over again.

22:55  
That's, that's amazing. And actually, lets me very nice to ask you about you now. Actually facilitating this process for for others. So I wanted to ask you, let's start there are so many things, but let's start with the healing work that you do. And I mean, the emotional healing there is something that you say that caught my attention you say that you you give people permission to be their most authentic self because this is the first step towards healing if I understand that correctly, so I want you to explain that to me. What What is holding people back a while? Why do I need your permission to be my authentic self?

23:49  
Yeah, I love that question. The the way that I'll describe is like the you know, those little Russian dolls where there's like one inside of the other inside of the other and a lot about who we've designed designed ourselves to be in this world is like those Russian dolls is at our very core, it's it's the most authentic version of us. And it's like right in our centre right in our heart. It's it's we get glints. A lot of us get glimpses of it sometimes when we're doing what we love, or we're lit up, or we're or we're following our life's path. Or maybe we have a peak experience where we're just, we get to be fully ourselves. And, and then we are afraid a lot of times of judgement or what will happen if we are so and so we there's like these layers that we put on top and some people call masks, some people call them walls and people come. It's literally like you're putting on these different suits to be a person in this world and it's all for protection, because that little inner self is really vulnerable. And it's afraid, it's afraid that it's not going to be accepted by the tribe, for being who they are. And so they pretend to be someone else to fit in, or they pretend to be liked by this person. And they're all just defence mechanisms protection. And we've gotten so used to living in those protective mechanisms that we oftentimes forget, we're doing it, most people forgot, it's so unconscious, that they forgot they're doing it. And so the process that I say of like giving people permission to be their authentic selves, is, is a new concept. And so when I tell someone, like, everything is welcome, here, all parts of you are welcome here, you can express however you want to express, like, it's okay to be you, things like that. And then really helping them feel safe. And that is maybe the first time in their life that especially like, men is as an example, it's really common that, that men are taught to suppress their emotions, they're taught that crying is weak, they're taught that anything outside of like this stoicism, like keep it all together, is is soft, and you're not a man at that. And so, it's, it's silly, because we all have these emotions running through us. And when I just give people the permission, be like, yeah, like, let it go. It's cool. Like, I'm not gonna judge you for that, like, I, I have been seen this enough times, like, we're all the same, like, we're all going through the same version of our own internal battles. We all have an internal battle, it just has a different flavour than mine, but like, I feel you like I do. And it's the, and I think the I'll give myself a little bit of credit. I think I do it so authentically and openly that people trust it. They're like, Oh, he's not just lying to me. He like really won't judge me if I beat myself. I'm like, Yeah, yeah, like, I, like I want to see more of you. In fact, it's not just, it's like, please, like, please show me who you are. And that is a very freeing experience for a lot of people because most of their life has been spent pretending to be someone that they're not to fit in to people that really doesn't even matter if, yeah, it doesn't matter. And so that permission, especially with with men, is so important. And I think a lot of men look up to me in a lot of the material success, world, and they look up to like what I've accomplished. And so it's easy for them to say, okay, maybe like, this guy isn't just a hippie living in the mountains, and he or like, whatever, like, yeah, I'm learning how to operate in both worlds. I'm learning how to feel everything on the inside and feel amazing and lit up and joyful, and feel the emotions and I'm also learning how to operate in this, this material world we live in and, and also have all those things that I want. And so it opens up the door for them to be like, Okay, I think I trust this guy a little bit.

28:18  
And it certainly has given you the credibility for someone that has been that is, for example, a successful business one that is completely let's say detached from his inner world. I think that's very common description of many people out there. Going back to what you were saying about putting more and achieving more and and realising at some point that this there's no end to this. There's always someone that's going to have more than one commerce with dry and so it's it's I liked your analogy of the the Russian dolls and how all the I had fun only those layers of clay but it is it's, it's great. There is a treasure or a gem inside our core which we have forgotten. Greece, there is a there are some more specific things I wanted to ask you about. I have a personal interest in them. I say that you use very many different modalities to facilitate that process, which I mentioned a few of them earlier in the introduction, I think, but there were a couple that I would like to go a little bit deeper and one of them was breath work. And actually we'll start with this because it is something that personally I use, I use a version of the Wim Hof breathing and I do that every day there, especially lately. It's part of my daily routine and I know Because I feel wonderful after that, I feel calm. I felt energised the show, do you want to share a little bit of the role of breathwork? In your in this process of emotional healing and transformation?

30:19  
Yeah, absolutely. It's, it's one of the ones that I'm very passionate about. And, and I'm also really good at. And it also happens to be that it's getting really popular, which is a good mix of things. And the role that it has, is the way I think about our breath is that it is the switch for our nervous system. And our nervous system is the most important factor in how you feel how your body operates, how essentially how you live is how your nervous system is operating in. I'll do a brief overview our nervous system, we have two nervous systems, our sympathetic nervous system, this is what's designed to be our stress response nervous system, it's like, when we need it, it's supposed to turn on so that we can get a big burst of energy, all our senses are heightened. It's like, if we were being chased by a wild animal, and we've got to escape. As soon as that threat is gone, we are supposed to switch over into our parasympathetic nervous system, which is our rest or relax or digest our heel, it's, it's our resting state. It's it's the state that most animals have predatory animals, which, which we are, we don't have natural predators, which most predatory animals live 90% of their lives in. If you look at pride of lions on on the whatever Savanna, they're they're laying around, they're resting most of the day, they're digesting they're playing. It's very light. And as humans, we forgot, I think we forgot. We just weren't taught how are we know naturally how to do it. But we've convinced ourselves that we don't need to switch back over to the parasympathetic and so much about our lifestyle, it glorifies the sympathetic, which is this really heightened really on really like super laser focus and wound up. It's it's like, more coffee, more stimulants, more this, it's more work. But it's less sleep, it's less rest, it's no, and we've glorified it. And it's like in the natural world, it's not a, it's not a healthy or sustainable way of living. It's, it's actually the cause for the majority of the diseases of our society, is because our systems are designed to recover and rest and repair from the damage that we're doing. Life is all about this little bit of damage, and then it heals and we grow back stronger, and then a little bit of damage, and it heals and we grow back stronger. And we can keep stressing it only if we continue recovering. But we've gotten so good at like, Oh, we can just keep going. And for a time. That's true. When you're young. That's true, because you're just chipping away, you're chipping away, you're chipping away, chipping away, and it's never actually recovering. And then one day, boom, we get hit with the life threatening disease disease, or the body just stops working. And we just chalk it up to like, Oh, this is natural old age. And it's not. We're not designed to deteriorate mentally and physically the way that most people are. But we've just accepted it because we're we're seeing it everywhere. But it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be that way. Because if we just learn to live in the natural rhythm of Okay, I need a little bit of rest. Now I need I need to sleep a little bit more. I need to not be so stressed in life, he be a little bit more relaxed and at peace. And getting back to your question. The breath is the quickest. It's the cheapest, it's free. And it's the most effective way to get us from that super stressed state into the relaxed state. And we can do it in just a few moments. There's plenty of protocols that you can use and like Wim Hof was the first experience that I had or some version of it about eight or nine years ago. And I've just gotten really interested in infatuated with all these different modalities of breath works to do different things for our body. Some give us energy, some commerce down Some help us to heal.

35:03  
And the breath. It's the it's one of the few functions that we can, that that runs whether or not we're conscious to it. But we can also direct it. It's both an unconscious and unconscious. And there's got to be a reason for that. The natural design doesn't mess around, even if we don't understand it. And so it what I, the way I think about it is that we're designed to breathe consciously. But even when we forget, it's going to do it's going to do it for us. But we're designed to breathe consciously. So once you become conscious to like, Oh, I'm stressed out, I'm overwhelmed. I'm in a really emotional right now. And I'm just come back to your breath, slow it down. Take a deep breath in, let it out, do that five more times do that 10 more times, until you feel your body actually relax. And the more stressed you are, the longer that may take, but

36:07  
it's certainly healthier and better than popping up like, unfortunately, I was thinking of that when you were saying about the constant stress stressors and living on the sympathetic all the time. Yes, this is the number one cause of all chronic diseases that and I don't want to go down the path of additional healing and how to completely ignore this. And the only folks that I said that, so now I can

36:40  
carry on. That is actually Yes, I will carry on thank you for this with the breathing.

36:49  
It's fascinating. There is another modality that you use. And I really want to discuss this with you because I think it's important, and that is the inner child work. Thank you for listening to this first part of the truly intriguing conversation with Chris Marhefka. In the second and conclusive part. Chris talks about the inner child work the difference between men and women in their personal development and one of the most important topics understanding and managing our emotional state.

Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this podcast, please share this episode with someone who you think will benefit from it. If you want to find out more about what I do and gain access to exclusive content, go to my website personal development mastery podcast.com. You will find the link in the show notes and until next time, stand out don't fit in

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