#394 How to succeed in business and personal life by aligning your entrepreneurial spirit with your values, with Lauren Gaggioli.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPTION
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Lauren Gaggioli  0:00  
Enmeshment is this sense of like your self worth fluctuates with your P&L. You know, if you're not profitable, if you didn't make enough money today, that suddenly you are not valuable like that there's that separation and you are connected to your business almost like your business is like some sort of parasite leeching off of your body.

Agi Keramidas  0:24  
You are listening to personal development mastering the podcast that empowers you with the simple and consistent actions to take that will help you create a life of purpose and fulfilment. I'm your host Agi Keramidas and this is Episode 394. If you'd like to discover how you can ignite profound personal and professional transformation simply by aligning with your core values, then this episode is for you. By listening today, not only will you discover how to align your entrepreneurial spirit with your core values, but you will also learn practical strategies for establishing healthy boundaries between your identity and your business. Before we dive in this fascinating conversation, if you enjoy listening and appreciate what we're doing here, the simple quick favour I'm asking of you is to click the subscribe button. Now let's get started. 

Agi Keramidas  1:29  
Today it is my pleasure to speak with Lauren Gaggioli. Lauren, you are a digital entrepreneur, organic content marketing expert and a big believer in intentional living. You have over a decade of experience in online business and you're passionate about helping fellow entrepreneurs find purpose, balance and fulfilment in their lives. Lauren, welcome to the show. It's such a pleasure to speak with you today. I'm

Lauren Gaggioli  1:59  
so grateful to be here today. Thank you so much Agi for the opportunity, where

Agi Keramidas  2:03  
I'm so much looking forward to the conversation and we will explore today. Through your own, you know, lens of entrepreneurial insights, I want to explore intentional living and purpose driven endeavours. Before we go there, tell me about key defining moment in your entrepreneurial journey that led you to prioritise this purpose driven living as you say, absolutely.

Lauren Gaggioli  2:37  
So I got my start. Now I do SEO, I help folks get found on the internet through Google. But which is a far cry from what I started with. I started as an AC T and LSAT tutor. And I was working with students and home, I graduated to online courses and offering those through my own company, and as a solopreneur. So I was working myself to the bone, as were my students, right, all these students who are caught up in the college admissions process here in the States, it's a it's a heavy lift for them. And I was teaching arguably the hardest part of it, because it is really hard to study for a test when the results and the rewards are so far off. It's just so counter to our culture of like instant gratification. So I found that these teens, you know, some of them were diving in and eating it up, and they understood the assignment and they were on it and doing the thing, and others were floundering. And I started to observe the difference and just notice the difference between them. And the main distinction I found was that the kids who were really knuckling under and doing the thing, they understood what they were going towards, they had a sense of their purpose, and what they wanted to accomplish in their life like bigger picture than just I want to go to x College, although for some that was enough of a carrot, the ones who really did the work, and I'm not tying that to their actual results, that the ones who were committed to actually taking the daily action towards improving from whatever their starting point was. They had a sense of this through line up their life. They had a sense of where they wanted to go. And so I realised that to help those students who are floundering, and also in the moment helped them with a very large part of the college admissions process, which is the personal statement, the essay that they write about their lives, these kids are going I haven't even lived and you want me to write about my life. Giving them the hook of their big Y was something that I felt could read really help them see sort of the destination, see where the needle on the compass was pointing. And so I crafted a curriculum to support them with that. And it's a shame we were talking about this before we went live, we don't teach this in school. And so these students, they were struggling and what I found, as I crafted a curriculum, I'd done a lot of reading and then done self help and therapy. And, you know, I was I was working on me. And I assumed that this course was sort of running alongside that, like, I was just a little bit down the path, and I was leading these kids. And then I realised, oh, wait a second, I'm crafting this curriculum for myself, as much as I am for them. It really is applicable to all of us who feel untethered from our sense of purpose. And it came none too soon, because time that I created it, I had two little kids, and the identity of mother can absolutely overwhelm, or parents even you know, but for me, mother, was starting to overwhelm my eyes, my full identity, my fullest expression of me. And so it was really a helpful exercise to gain clarity and insight. And that's how I ended up creating the course around purpose.

Agi Keramidas  6:14  
It's fascinating when you said about the sense of purpose and children or the the students it. For me, I hadn't thought of it is more for the sense of purpose is more, in my mind related to an adult, rather than destroy it was a great realisation when you were saying that, that it is certainly not and that AIDS. Well, you found that out with what you were doing also. So from children to entrepreneurs, and I would like to focus our conversation today to you mentioned already a big why you said it like that, but apart from you know, the personal purpose. Many of us have, let's say, a business purpose or entrepreneurial, but for sure. There are many ways that but I won't describe them myself, I would rather much rather let you describe those and tell me what your take is on this purpose, taking your learnings over the years. So

Lauren Gaggioli  7:27  
confession, I am a people pleaser, I am very much naturally inclined to shape shift and chameleon myself to in what I perceive others need from me, this can absolutely be the death of balance in an online business, where people can contact you anytime of day. And you feel like you have to be Johnny on the spot answering all the emails. As I already mentioned, that identity of mother that can really overwhelm you. And suddenly you're jumping through the hoops of a toddler's demands, because you want to be attentive and meet their needs. And then, you know, daughter, sister, partner, all the other identities that come with it. And what I started to realise was that by taking on all these roles, and the tipping point was becoming a mother because it made it the the reality so stark. The fragmentation of purpose, actually ends up I think, fragmenting our sense of self and our sense of ownership to ourselves, and responsibility to take care of ourselves. With that age old if you put your own put your own oxygen mask on first, analogy and a plane. And so what I realised is that by meeting everybody else's needs, the person's needs I wasn't meeting was mine, I was starting to feel really burnt out really resentful of the roles I had actively chosen. And it was nobody else's fault. But mine, because I chose that and I and I shouldn't say even fault. I hadn't realised the cost. And so by stepping back and naming a singular purpose, it brought me home to me and gave me a sense of groundedness and permission to really assess whether or not I was living in my purpose. I know a lot of people their aim is happiness, like we hear that a lot in personal development, right, the Happiness Project, you have all these different things. My aim has never been happiness per se, I'm fairly positive person. My aim is fulfilment. I want to feel that I am achieving in the direction of my dreams. And so by naming your purpose and saying My purpose is to and in my case, it is to help others actualize their unrealized potential. So what that means is I help People uncover what already exists for them. They're beautiful treasures that already live inside of them. And then I help them come up with an action plan to do more in that direction I do my kids, when I'm Homeschooling with my husband, when he's having trouble at work with my friends, I'm the person that people come to to go, I'm lost help, you know, and I started to realise like this, this is a singular thread, I am the singular thread. And then I help in all these different ways. And because I have clarity about being able to name that, I can say, every day that I live at least 15 minutes in my purpose. And that provides me a sense of fulfilment. And so it's not to say that I don't ever just go out with my girlfriends, and have a nice meal and enjoy their company and have fun. Like, it's not to say that I'm always on the hunt to fix other people like, that is not it, I do it for myself as well, right, I'm always wanting to learn and grow, and help myself deliver in the best way that I can. So having that clarity and saying, I am the person who holds this purpose. And these are the myriad ways that I live it out. It's a shift unless fragmented, because I know that whether it's a great conversation with my kid, or I help somebody with my online business, you know, or was a wonderful partner today in this direction, no matter the way that I apply it, I can say every day that I lived in my purpose. And so it's just a really powerful way to reconnect with yourself this exercise of going through the process of naming your purpose and having it be singular.

Agi Keramidas  11:46  
If you enjoy this episode, can you think of one person that would find it useful and share it with them? I'd really appreciate it, it helps the show grow. And you will also be adding value to people you care about. Thank you. And now let's get back to the episode. Actually, I this is exactly what I wanted to discuss with you even more, because you mentioned naming a singular purpose. And the exercise as you said, so there are two questions regarding this. One is what do you feel there are the main challenges in someone doing it like that? Because as simple as it sounds, it is not easy. And some some people listening now might have tried this, some others not. But I wanted to ask, first of all, what do you think are the main challenges in doing that? And then I will ask you the next question after Wonderful.

Lauren Gaggioli  12:47  
So I think there are three. And ironically, this is how I structured my course I My course is eight sessions. It is one through three is addressing these challenges of which there are three, then two lessons to really tease out that statement. And then three lessons on moving into action. So you can see the arc, right? And addressing those challenges. Seeing those roadblocks blocks, calling them into the light is how we start. And so the first thing that I have people do, this is gonna sound weird. But as a people pleaser, it was a very important first step. I asked people to interview folks in their lives, and ask questions about what those people perceive their strengths and weaknesses to be what is their favourite memory? What career do they think I'd be successful at one that I'm not doing right now. And by asking these questions of at least three key people in your life and possibly more, you can start to see where the edge is of what expectations you've put on yourself that maybe others don't have, what beliefs you are holding, that may have been gifted to you by other people in your life, essentially, what box Have you put yourself into, sometimes unwittingly, by virtue of the fact that we are impacted by those who are in relationship with and especially deep and meaningful relationship? And so it's a really helpful exercise to call it into the light and it's not with judgement. It's just to say, Hmm, that's interesting. I didn't realise that was the favourite memory. I remember my dad used to tell a story about me when I fully failed at swimming the butterfly at a swim meet. And I had no training nothing and I got out there and I did it and he always told it and I thought he was making fun of me and it was one of his favourite memories of me, because it showed my tenacity. So just the like mindset switch around that is so helpful and I think it's really just a powerful thing to do to get in connection with the people around you and go, I'm perceiving these expectations is this really true without leading with that just letting them talk and share with you. So we get a sense of what those around you think. Step two is to dive into you're not aspirational, but actually expressed values. So when you get a values list, we probably if we're in if we're in personal development, if we're we like this space, then we've probably all done a values exercise. However, I've not really seen anybody parse it like this, where they say, Hey, I know you want to be like the shiniest human ever, however, what actually exists versus what are you holding that is a should value that you aspire to, but maybe aren't actually expressing in your day to day life. We can add those aspirational values back later. But let's start with who we really are. Let's uncover as Liz Gilbert says in Big Magic, uncover the treasures that already live inside of you. And so assessing what is as opposed to reaching for what might be. So doing a values exercise through that lens is the next step. Because we got to get really honest about the things we're actually naturally drawn to because the truth is it all the best expression of your purpose already lives inside of you, you're already doing it in some form or fashion, but it's probably in fits and starts because of all the shoulds that our society and our relationships and our brains have heaped on us. And so quieting that mind and just looking at the truth is really helpful process and then third, we dream big, bigger, what is the biggest juiciest, meatiest life I could possibly live, because I only get one shot at this. So dreaming and saying I want I want I want I aspire to really owning all of those desires, desire of the Father, they are God given if you believe in God universal given that is from Jensen cero. And I so appreciated that shift on desires, because they think we shame our desire. Desire sometimes is a naughty word. But it is God given it is a gift, and we need to look at it. And you may choose to pursue in a different direction. But at least acknowledging what's already there is really powerful. And so we do that, we just get this all out. And then with all this information, these roadblocks cleared and everything. That's where we create our statement. But those are the big kind of boulders in our path. And we've got to tip them over into stepping stones before we can make any progress with getting to the truer heart of ourself.

Agi Keramidas  17:59  
This is a very comprehensive blueprint that you voted to share these three steps. And there are many things I wish I could say about the one thing that came to my mind for sure to mention because you mentioned the values. And you said actually the aspirational values, which yes, it's like the idealisms rather than the actual, the values, our values, or our highest values are really demonstrated by our life. So whatever your life is, right now it is because of the value. So I liked how you make differentiation about the expressed values rather than the aspirational one. It's a good reminder, sometimes it ends now that you said it's been a while since I have done a virus determination exercise. So maybe this is also a reminder, from time to time you, you have to do those in personal development. You never arrive, you have to take the steps and I think the master is someone who takes the little steps, even 80 years on the journey still doing the fundamentals.

Lauren Gaggioli  19:15  
The I mean their foundation, right, I mean how we the values we hold, I always say the core like if you think about the compass of life, which paths you want to set out on the core values plus the vision for the future, what is and what can be those set the North Pole on your compass, they set the magnetism they both I think of it as like drawing kind of a rope around you and pulling you forward. Right? It's where you start and where you want to go. And when we pair those two things, it's so powerful, because we realise we already have half of the equation living inside of us. Right so like half the work is already done. It's who you are, and I think, have this notion with my parenting, that I don't want to be an architect, I want to be an archaeologist, I don't want to build my children into something that I want to see, I want to uncover who they naturally truly are. And of course, I'm going to have to set boundaries around behaviour and things like that. But I am so curious about who they already are, because the seed of who they can become is already planted inside of them. And it's just up to me to sort of scrape the layers off and give them the resources to dive deeper into themselves. And I think, if we think of ourselves and through that same lens, it gives us such permission to just stand where we are instead of constantly leaning forward. And I think the idea that there's more to do, there's stuff out there, right, with personal development, sometimes we get into this, yes, we are constantly growing growth mindset is absolutely necessary. But there can be this sense of like reaching for the brass ring that exists outside of us. I think it's inside of us already. It's not about reaching out, it's about going deeper in. And like I need to correct boundaries with my kids. Yes, sometimes strategies or systems or tools can be very useful on that road. But when you trust that it already is, gosh, that's just such a gift to all of us who are striving

Agi Keramidas  21:29  
certainly is completely agree with you, Laurie. I am going to switch gears and I want to ask you about something else that intrigued me about when I was researching. And you talk about the cycle of entrepreneurial and mass meant. So this is from what I understand the term that you have coined. So I wanted to ask you, first of all, what personal realisation led to you, you know, identifying this stuff.

Lauren Gaggioli  22:08  
So I think in the entrepreneurial space, you often hear about hustle culture right here about leaning and doing more do it all. And I certainly as a solopreneur was like, cool, and just did it all. And I was exhausted, and I have a very high threshold for pain. I have a very low need for sleep. And that really led to me feeling on edge almost in burnout mode. never fully went to burnout, thank goodness, but I becoming a mother really changes your priorities. And I realised pretty quickly, there was no way I could continue to coddle my clients and love on my baby fully. And so entrepreneurial measurements, i You're right, I think I did coined this term. Basically, it comes from the sense of like, and it's from internal family systems, that concept of enmeshment psychological enmeshment with family members, but that for entrepreneurs, sometimes we opt for the same enmeshment with our, our business and our clients. So that sense that you need to constantly be on call when you are not doing life saving work, right? Like let's be honest, kids getting their AC T and sad prep our me helping clients SEO, I don't have to answer it emails in three seconds, no one's gonna die if I step away and stay present with my people. And so enmeshment is this sense of like your self worth fluctuates with your p&l? Your you know, if you're not profitable if you didn't make enough money today, you know, you get really granular on it. You're like constantly checking the stats, if you didn't get those download numbers you didn't get whatever the case may be whatever it is you do that suddenly you are not valuable, right that it pierces the wall of, hey, something might not have gone right like that there's that separation and you are connected it to your business, almost like your business is like some sort of parasite leeching off of your body. And I realised it because I was here, right? I constantly if a student didn't do well, even if they told me it was because they didn't apply the strategies. I told them I would take it on as like a failure of mine. And if you didn't do the thing I told you to and I still was like, Oh no, it was me. I didn't respond to their emails fast enough. And so I and I looked started looking around after I sort of put my finger on the pulse of this. I looked around and went Oh, Like, literally every person I know in the online space has some form or fashion of this like porousness between the boundary of who they are and the value they deliver as a human in their many different ways. And their business, whether it's an inflated sense of importance in their business, and really kind of bowing to that, this desire to save clients, right, I know better, I'm going to save you this like saviour complex, or just plain old self worth, or leaning into hustle culture, to ignore their full self. And the problem with this is that when entrepreneurs do this, they've essentially just built themselves a gob, they have not created a business. And so going pro really requires you to separate your identity. From your business, there are two things and so if you suffer from this idea of what do they call it super, oh, I'm gonna forget the term that people use, but this idea that only you can do it, you're gonna, you're gonna be the superhero in your business, you're gonna be the only person who touches every aspect of your business, that inability to let go, it can all be sort of from this, this concept that once you see it, you can't unsee it. And I feel like I sold that first company. I've moved into a second phase. And I'm now doing SEO work with clients, and I'm so much better and so much more boundaried. But even like, right now, I'm in I'm in a season right now with a launch. And I'm getting a little tipped in the direction of being off kilter. So I just know, all right. After this season of deep work, I have got to rein it back in, I need to give myself space to breathe. I brought on team members, which is new for me. And I feel like I'm, I'm healing but the healing work is never done.

Agi Keramidas  27:06  
Thank you for this answer. And I liked you described already some of the signs if someone using that trapped in a way in that you mentioned and I want to ask you specifically with that separating our identity from the business. So with someone listening to us right now, and they realise that we EPS Lauren is right, I do. I am exactly that. What's one step that they can do to start, you know, separating exactly this, I will ask you to separate your identity from what you do with your business.

Lauren Gaggioli  27:52  
So I believe that with a lot of personal development work, noticing is enough. If this is a totally new concept to you, just by noticing it, you sort of snipped the threads of the knot. And it can you can trust that it's going to start to unravel, you're going to start to see it and go oh, and now that you have a name for it, you can say oh, that's my entrepreneurial, a measurement that kind of now, like takes it's not I'm failing, because I have no boundaries. It's Oh, it's this exterior concept. So in the same way that like our purpose lives in ourselves, sometimes those realisations that live outside of ourselves, we can sort of put it on that. And then it'll allow it to sort of unfold. That said, I think, being really clear about what you're trying to achieve. In your business. This is really hard for creative entrepreneurs. But being really clear about your boundaries, and saying, my full life is important. My business matters. And there will be seasons like I'm in right now where I have to double down I have to say no to some of the fun stuff. I have to say no to some of my kids requests. My family went and played miniature golf this weekend without me because I was documenting systems. Sometimes you do have to say no, because you're in a season by being able to state boundaries, and hold to them. When you're in just regular, you know modus operandi, then it's very important to sort of acknowledge when you are choosing something different versus sliding into it. So I think noticing is enough, and then being really clear with your boundaries and being really clear about when you're making a different choice, and it's an exception, not the rule.

Agi Keramidas  29:45  
That's great. Thank you for this that was really useful and practical also. Lauren, I have two questions that I always ask my guests at the end of the conversation before I do Share with the listener where they can find out more about you and connects.

Lauren Gaggioli  30:06  
Absolutely. So everything lives at Lauren gachibowli.com. But if you're specifically interested in the purpose side of things big why life.com will take you right to the page where I share about the course, those first three exercises, the two about naming your purpose, and then the three, about moving into action. And so if you want to learn more about that, and how to connect, that is a great place to go.

Agi Keramidas  30:32  
Two final quick questions that Lauren and the first one is What does personal development mean to you?

Lauren Gaggioli  30:41  
I think it means and I've sort of already circled around this, but I think it really means that when I'm feeling off kilter, I don't reach outside myself, I reach inside myself, and ensuring that the personal comes before the development, right? And owning that there's already a lot of good. That's here.

Agi Keramidas  31:06  
Beautiful answers. And a hypothetical question. If you could go back in time and meet your 18 year old self, what's one piece of advice you would give her?

Lauren Gaggioli  31:18  
Trust your gut. Now, irony is I went to college, I did all the things, I dotted the I's and cross the T's. And I'm an entrepreneur. We could have known this, we could have known this because little 10 year old Lauren was always dreaming up businesses. And I'm really not convinced that my college experience getting a theatre degree is the reason I am where I am. And so and I knew it, I knew it in high school, and no one was listening to me. And so I was a people pleaser, I jumped through the hoops I did the thing. I would just tell her, you are right about who you are. Nobody else knows who you are deep inside the way, you know. Trust that and follow that.

Agi Keramidas  32:03  
That's so good. And I also can relate personally with with that. Yes, a lot. And I want to thank you very much for this absolutely insightful conversation. I enjoyed it very much. I want to wish you all the very best with your mission and your purpose and what you do in helping others entrepreneurs. I will leave it with you with any actionable parting words of wisdom.

Lauren Gaggioli  32:34  
I follow a lot of parenting experts, air quotes, experts, and the one that I love and come home to all the time is Dr. Becky and she reminds us all that we're good inside. And I think you know that partnered with the idea of desire being God given our universe granted, whatever, whatever we want to think about it. We need more people living in their purpose, because our world is better if you follow your dreams, and that sounds really like woowoo and heavy. But there's a practical side of it of taking action, of course, but it starts with the vision. It starts with the values and then the vision. And so if you can follow that it's gonna pull you forward into a life that is exactly right for you. Big, loud, quiet, small, doesn't matter don't judge it. Your desires are important.

Agi Keramidas  33:32  
And before I in today's episode, if you enjoy this podcast, can you think of one person that would find it useful and share it with them? I'd really appreciate it it helps the show grow and you also add value to people you care about. Thank you. And until next time, stand out don't fit in!